It’s been a long time…. my friend

Soooooo… I have been taking a sabbatical … oh let’s face it.  I stopped writing out of laziness, boredom and probably just not enough time.  But I think I am going to be taking this in a new direction.  Writing about all the things of life… in no particular type of order or fashion.   After all, it’s my blog… and I’ll do what I want!  haha

A lot has been happening in the last years.  Today is January 28, 2014.  I am still living in South Carolina and I am still doing the same thing.  This year has GOT to be about change.  Change in location/living space, change in jobs, change in attitude and change for a better peace of mind.   I have been putting myself through a lot and for no good reason.  Why?  Because in reality, none of it is worth it.  Over the the next few blogs I will talk about the things that have been going on in my life, the way I feel and think about them and hopefully find some sort of resolutions to them.  I also need to work on my writing skills.  I want to be able to express myself through words and writing.  I have SO many feelings and emotions and thoughts and I want to be able to get them OUT THERE.  I don’t know why it is so difficult for me but it is and I want to work on that.

The last blogs I had spoken about some friends of my past.. things that still bother me today.  Those people who you let into your life and you open yourself up to them and then when something happens, and that friendship dies,  a piece of you dies with it.   I am not a very open person.  I have never been the one to have 30 friends but none of them reliable or “real”… I am the type of person who would rather sit home alone then to hang out and have to pretend to want to socialize with people that I don’t have anything in common with and vice versa.  When I allow someone in, they play an important role in my life.  When something happens to that relationship, part of u changes and u will forever be changed by the hurt or betrayal.

I am at a point in my life that I want to be able to put all of those things behind me once and for all and make some new changes.  I find myself closing off so much to the world around me and the people around me that its becoming so unhealthy and the only person I am hurting is myself.

I have read other blogs and I see people opening up about the things in their lives that are “secrets” and putting it all out there for people to read and comment and give feedback… but at the same time when u have a support system of lots of friends or family that stand by you or are there for you its so much different than when you are alone.  I am alone.  I am truly alone.  I see it everywhere everyday.  People have called me old at my job, people have not included me in things I wish I could have been invited to.  I am not sure what people really think of me but I also know that no one really knows me.  I have put it in my mind that if someone wanted to know me, they will.  THEY will make the efforts, THEY will show me that they want to be my friend.  I think through my past friendships and how I have been burned I just have completely shut down socially.  I don’t trust people.   Maybe I will find the courage to share this via facebook one day so that people have an access to my mind my thoughts.  It would be like opening a door or a window into my life for people to look in.  I know people love looking in to others lives, its why reality tv is so popular.  Its why so many people sit on facebook and stalk others.  Even people they don’t know.

I hope to make this blog into something worthwhile and something enjoyable.  AND hopefully something to help me see things sort through them and be able to put some things behind me forever and look forward to the rest of my life.  And live everyday the way I should be living it.. HAPPY!  🙂

It’s a hard hard truth

yum yums

I am suppossed to be flying out to Greece on Wednesday the 14th… 2 days from now.  But I have just changed my booking until March-April of next year.  Ugh!  I want to go so badly but things have happened and its virtually impossible to leave now.  My mother has a broken hand that required surgery and now Her BF may have a cancerous tumour in his leg.  This is very scary and I hope he will be fine.  I need to stay here and help them out for awhile.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T.. just a little bit!!

I have been doing some thinking.  And I have come to some conclusions that really bother me.  First, let me say that I will not name any names but mainly this is regarding my closest friend from late grade school/high school.  I have no idea how me and her became so close but we did.  My other friends from grade school sort of  “got angry with me” or maybe just started closing me out of the group.  For either of those, I really do not know why.  Nothing in particular happened that I can pinpoint.  We did not have any fight so I really do not know. But me and her grew close and were what you would call BFF’s of that time.  Yes she is the same one in a previous post about invading my privacy in college by reading my journals.  Same person!

So, anyways, she was my best for a long while of the teens.. actually most of my teens.  Reflecting on the way she spoke/speaks (yes even to this day), I conclude that she has no respect for me.  So, I am friends with her on facebook and we have lots of mutual friends.  None of which I could really call friends though, as no one honestly gives a shit about what I think or feel.  Let me go over a few examples of why I feel this way.

1.  Pets-  I have always LOVED animals and had a cat since probably around 16 yrs old.  She would always tell me things in a negative way when she would speak of my pet.  I never got the feeling she ever even liked my pet.  In college I had found a stray black cat and it was obviously not well.  He was having diarrhea.  I felt bad for the poor baby and wanted to help him and make him better.  I recall her saying… and I cannot quote, but she would say, that disgusting cat who pooped everywhere.. that gross cat.. get this cat out of here.  I always got the feeling she hated animals because she was never kind toward me or mine.    So, I see her on facebook now talking to others about their pets.  And its all.. awww your schweet little schnauzer or, here are some prayers for a good friend who’s cat is very sick.  Or even a whole post about how “their pets are like their children” and how sweet and adorable that is for them.  Hmmmmm, but when it comes to me.. its always, that damn cat, that dirty animal, or you and your dumb cat.

I even posted a photo of my cat snuggling in my bed because I wanted to see if she would make a comment on that.. and she did, only it went like this..” Is that your underwear in the back?”    WOW!  Now that hurts.  And I hadnt even noticed that it was but she did and she told the entire facebook world about it.  Lets publicly embarrass Jenn on her own facebook in front of all of her friends.

2. Life choices-  I was reading one of her friends blogs the other day about quitting her job without any plan for the next step.  And how she did not care and life is about adventure and where it is meant to go.  How she is living on less money without income and other things.  She has decided to move to another state and start fresh.  Well, my friend commented on how inspirational she is and how proud she is of her.

Lets see, I moved to Greece, chucked everything I knew and started fresh.  Lets talk about making bold moves here.  I relearned everything about life.  Different ways to live.  Learned how to cook , EVERYTHING from scratch, and how to incorporate some herbs and the power of flavour from natural ingredients.  I have been learning a new language.  Now, granted I struggled… I lived off practically NO money, and I am not exaggerating.  I lived with no car, no money, no friends, nothing familiar around.  I, at times, had some very hard moments and needed a friend to call from home… and I called her.. her answer to me was this,”  Well thats what happens when you move to places you should only vacation at”.  So much for her support I thought.  But then I see her telling this other person.. oh what an inspiration you are…”  She had no positive thoughts about me, about my journey, about where I was leading my life, about how strong  I am for chucking it all for something unknown but amazing and life changing.  It was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life.  But she only criticized me in the past about it.  WHY???

So, if anyone is out there and wishes to comment on this, please do.  I would like to know your thoughts and input.  Because from my perspective, it seems like a lack of respect.  Was she that comfortable with me?  Did she think she was “allowed” to speak to me that way?  “Does she even realize how hurtful she is?”  “Does she care?’

These are the people who I cared about the most in my life.  I feel so hurt by them.  My mother has says that I am too sensitive.  Am I, or do I just need more support and positiveness around me?  I feel like I have to pull every strength I have from myself and it gets daunting.  Everyone needs someone in their life to be a support system.  Otherwise you start sinking, the way I feel I am at times.

9/11

Been watching a lot of the 9/11 programs on the National Geographic Channel this week.  So sad!  I actually remember exactly where I was and how my day went down.  I was on vacation down my moms Shore house in Dewey Beach, De.  I had woken up that sunny morning.  And as any other day, I walked straight over to the tv and clicked it on.  It must have been around 9:10a.  I had apparently just missed the planes crashing into the towers.

So, I woke up, turned on the tv and went into the kitchen to make a toasted bagel with cream cheese.  As I was preparing my bagel, I was listening to the tv from the kitchen.  It was news.  I was hearing them speak about the world trade centers but there was not much alarm in their voices.  So I was listening, making my food and then headed over to the sofa to eat my breakfast while watching tv.  I was watching the tv… I did not see the towers on fire. I did not see any recap of what was going on… they were just talking about the bombing of the world trade back in 1993.  I was thinking to myself.. why are they talking about this?  As I continued to watch, I then saw the live images of the towers on fire!  I started wondering, is this live?? What is going on!?  Then I heard about the plane crash into the Pentagon.  OMG… did that really just happen?  Or is this some sort of program.  I couldnt figure out if any of it was really going on?

Then, as I was listening, I realized this was real.  And my confusion turned into fear.  Next thing I knew the towers were falling… another plane crashed in PA. I was completely and utterly scared.  I live right in the middle of all of this!  NYC is just 2 hours north by car.. PA.. next state over.. DC only 2 hrs by car.  I decided to stop watching by like 12.  I walked across to the beach.  It was desolate.  The day was unbelievably perfect.  The weather was JUST PERFECT.  The sounds of the seagulls, the waves crashing.. it was surreal to me to think that all these things were going on while I was walking on the beach and it was total bliss.  But it wasn’t bliss, it felt wrong.  I couldn’t even bring myself to enjoy myself for even a moment.  I walked back to the beach house, packed all of my things and went straight home.

I remember feeling shocked, scared, confused.  But the reality of what had happened was not sinking in.  And the truth is.. after watching all these programs, only now do I see just what happened.  People jumped out of the buildings and there are videos of this.. closeups!  Completely horrifying.  I cannot even begin to imagine the horror of this day.  These men, hijacked 4 planes and smashed them into buildings.  This was a thought out plan, years in the making!  It definitely robbed me of my naivity.   The people, the fires, the smoke, the sense of urgency, listening to people’s last phone calls.. watching them fall through the sky from the tallest buildings, the aftermath.  I see it in a whole new way.   I never knew this had happened.  I Did not want to watch back then.  I used to deal with everything by not dealing with it.  I shove it all aside and keep on truckin.

We are approaching the 10 year date of this day.  And only now do I pay my utmost respects to everyone who was involved or was there.  God bless every single person.  It takes heroes to do the things those firemen did.  Will something else happen?  I do not know.  I think it could and that we all need to be aware.  Will I live in fear everyday of my life.  No, I will continue to live my life to the fullest.

I pray.. I pray for peace on this earth.  Peace between men and women.  Peace between all countries. where everyone lived in pure happiness and freedom. Where the world wasn’t so full of hate.   If only we could live in a world  like that.

Parallel lives

Yesterday I spoke to the best friend that I have ever had.  It was truly wonderful to catch up with her.  I miss her like crazy!  Her name is Christina and we met at our first job back in 1992. Or maybe 93.. not sure.  Either way we were pretty much inseparable up until about 1998 or so.  Not really sure why we broke apart.  Perhaps too much time together.  We sort of just needed a break from one another.  When I reunited with her though, I was in the midst of an awful relationship that was engulfing my life… in the worst possible way one ever could.  We spoke sporadically, hung out even more infrequently until I just stopped speaking to her for no good reason.  It was purely because of my awful relationship too.

Anyways, I found her via facebook, of course, where else.  I joined facebook back in 2007 when I was living in Greece.  One of my sisters told me I should join because it would be easier to keep in touch with each other.   I was hesitant at first, thinking, ehhh its for kids.  But I decided to go ahead and join.  Little did I know how big it would become!  It almost runs peoples lives these days.  I remember I could only find about 8 classmates from high school who had signed up.  And it was more than a year before more and more people I knew even joined.  But anyways, I found Christina and it reunited us.  Of course I couldnt see her because I was living in Greece.  But since then we have managed to get reacquainted, as much as we can.  She is living in Long Island and I in South Carolina right now.

I miss her!  I miss us!  She is purely and truly the best friend I have ever had.  Nothing but good memories with her.  She completed me back in the day.  The me that I search for today, is the me that she knows.  And we talked about that and similar things and stuff that I cannot explain to anyone else about how I feel about certain things, she gets it.  She gets me and she knows exactly what I am saying because she is in the same boat!

It feels so good to talk to someone that is the same age as me, who feels the same way I do, and it being someone I know and can reminisce with!  I spoke with her for about 3 hours.  She brought a little bit of life into me.  She filled me with hope for the future.  I am going to see her.  I dont think I am going to Greece now on the 14th of Sept.  I am going to change my ticket.  But I am still going to spend some quality time in Delaware with my family.  And definitely if we can manage some girls time we are going to see each other.

There is something to be said about true friends.  No matter how much time may pass between you and where your lives may take you.. if you can pick up the phone and speak to each other and talk as if you just spoke yesterday.. its amazing.  The connection you can have to some people.  Its almost as if we live a parallel life.  We always have.  I love it and it makes me feel so happy!  Christina will always be one of the most important people in my life.

Day from hell or day from heaven?

Today has been one hell of a day!  And its only 3:30pm.  I am afraid what the rest of the day may bring.   I slept a total of about 4 hours last night when I woke up bright and early to get ready for work.  A double nonetheless.  About 15 mins into my 45 trek out to work, I notice the Air Conditioner stops working. Fanstastic.  Only to find out that its not the air conditioner, its the radiator.  After the Air conditioner blows out I notice the temp gauge and the arrow is pointing all the way at the H.  YIKES!!!  I pull off the roadway into the WalGreens parking lot.  Thankfully before the car blows up on me!  So I spent at least an hour and half there waiting for the tow truck to come pick us up and take us to the car repair.  Only to find out that I have to wait several HOURS until they can even look at the car.

So we walk on to The shopping center, stroll through Staples, Payless and then Target.  As we were leaving Target I get a call from the repair shop.  ” I am sorry to inform you ma’am that they will most likely not even get to look at your car until tomorrow.”   ARE U KIDDING ME??  Why didn’t they tell me that on the phone when I said I was coming?  So annoying.  So we go out for lunch while we are there and then figure out how to get home.  I call a friend who is thankfully not busy and can come and pick us up.  I owe her!!  Thank you Kelly!!

So, I get into the house, 4.5 hours after I left the house for work, and slump into my recliner.  Cable box is broken.  This has to be a cruel joke.  I call the cable company only to find that they cannot come until thursday… 3 days later.  I give up!

Ever have one of those days??  I know everyone has.  Today is mine.  But I choose to look at the bright side.  Instead of having to work 12 hours today because I am on a double, I got to have the day off with a small adventure.  I went to the pool.  I went out for lunch with my love.  And tonight I will be able to go to the gym for a really good workout.  So perhaps the day isn’t so bad.  Just some things fall apart but you can always make the day a little bit brighter by trying to look at things from a better perspective! I choose to enjoy it and relax since I am very tired and enjoy the day from heaven

 

Friendships

What are friends?  How does one find real ones?

I think about this almost daily.  As I have grown older I find myself with no friends.  Well no friends that I can rely on or trust.  I have plenty of acquaintances.  Those that you can chat with about day to day stuff or go to movies with.  But I’m talking about Friends!

My definition of a friend is someone you can rely on, someone you can trust with not only your secrets but with yourself.  What I mean is, someone who will be there for you because they actually care about you.

Have I just grown older and become jaded?  Or have I been burned one too many times to even begin to let anyone in?  Maybe its a combination of both.  I don’t know but what I do know is that I miss having that best friend around.  The one you can call up at any time to go for food, or go shopping, or just to come over and chat.  Whenever.  I miss it so much.  I know its natural as you finish school and move into jobs and find husbands and create your new family.  Maybe thats where I should also be.  But thats a whole another can of worms to crack open on another day.

Let me start by saying I have fond memories of my childhood.  I grew up the youngest of four.  I was inevitably teased to death.  I lived on a schedule.  My mother created a nice normal life with a schedule for me.  I went to school, I went to church on sundays, friday and saturday were weekend days and nights.  I went to the dentist twice a year.  I had some really fantastic friends.  After 8th grade some we were all split up into 3 different schools.  We no longer maintained those friendships we once had.  I never made great friends in high school.  I was “friends” with everyone but never belonged to a certain group.  I maintained my friendship with one girl who went to the opposite high school.  She was my best friend.  We stayed best friends through high school and until freshman year of college.  That was where our friendship disintegrated.  That was my first experience of what I felt was betrayal.

We lived together in the freshman dorm.  It was like our dream.  We were out on our own for the first time.  We went to our first college frat party, we learned our way through university together.  It was amazing.  Until I went home for winter break.  I left my diary in my drawer in my dorm room.  Apparently my best friend went into my drawer for the iron and came across it.  She read it!  WHAT?!?  Why did she go through my personal stuff?  That was MINE and for my eyes only!  Stuff I was embarrassed to say to others, things I had never wanted to share.   Then, what came after that was unbelievable to me.  She got mad at me for things I had written about a guy.  Things I would never want to share because I felt embarrassed at the time.  A guy that I would never like in real life.  It was my lack of self esteem and self worth that made me feel the way I did about him.  He gave me attention and I liked it.  I liked it because no one had ever given me attention before.  She got so angry with me for keeping this from her.  Who was she to judge me?!  Who was she to go through my things, open up my personal belongings, read things that were for only my eyes, then to confront me and yell at me and make me feel badly for what I had thought at the time.  I was so angry and upset and also shocked and embarrassed.  I did not want to deal with it.  I did not feel like I had to answer to her.  I did not feel like it was fair at all.  I ended up moving out of the dorm shortly afterward.  She ruined the 2nd half of my freshman year of college.

I wish I had other friends at the time.  I spent so much time and put so much trust in one person, thinking that they were my friend. Someone I could rely on only to be treated like less than worthy of her.  Our friendship never recovered.  We are friends to this day but I think I will never forget.  I have forgiven and moved forward but I don’t feel the same way about her.  Why would she be so hurtful to me? I didn’t do anything to her but yet she was so mean to me.  The things she said?

Recently there was a new girl at work.  She was immediately hated by everyone.  She was replacing a manager that everyone loved.  So she was hated from the start for no other reason other than she was not Randy.  Everyone was so mean to her. Saying so many mean things literally right behind her.  Everyone was harsh, cruel and just plain old mean!  I was not.  I spoke her and tried to welcome her.  As much as I felt I could anyway.  After all she was the manager.  I know there are certain lines one should NOT cross when it  comes to manager/employee relationships.  Anyway, she told me one day that she recognized that and she was grateful to me.  She went on and formed friendships at work.  Even moved in with a girl.. but she started confiding in me a little bit.  We would talk. She would ask advice about men and relationships and friendships.  I was there.  We went to the movies together once, I went out with her once.  But I did not want to get too close.  Probably due to my walls.  I cant seem to let anyone in these days.  And this is what ended up happening. We were so called “friends”. Not best friends but good friends.  UNTIL…. I got sick.  I had gotten the flu.  It lasted approx. 1.5 weeks but I never recovered from it.  Then I got it again.  The second time it attacked with a vengeance.  I was so sick I thought I was dying!  Ok overexaggeration but I felt so miserable.  I called out of work.  When I spoke to her she was upset about it.  She got mad at me for being sick??? really!?  Well at least thats how I see it because she changed after I got sick.  She never spoke to me again.  She treated me as if I were no one.  She deleted me as a facebook friend.  That was it.  I never talked to her again.  What happened?  Why would someone never speak to me again for getting sick?  Was that a friendship?  Is that what friends do?  Cos it sure doesnt in my book.

Then there is the whopper of a story.

Live your life

I hurt… my foot hurts so bad.  Its my heel and its starting to travel up to my ankle and leg.  Its been almost 4 months now.  I am doing everything I can to get out of my doubles.  I just wish anyone would have some understanding.  Why do I hurt myself?  For what?  This job?  So not worth it.  I really thought it would go away but it seems to just be getting worse.  I have only 2 weeks of work left, then I can rest myself.  Rest my whole body and mind.  If it doesnt get any better than I guess I will go to a dr.

Yesterday I took a walk in Bonaventure Cemetery again.  I really enjoy walking there.  Its such a beautiful place.  The trees covered in moss, the river at the end of the cemetery, some of the beautiful statues that adorn the graves.  But every night after walking there I get all these images in my mind about the graves.. my mind races about death.  I am absolutely terrified about death and dying.  I know its probably quite normal.  I have not lost anyone really really close to me yet and I am scared about it.  My mom or dad, how will I cope with it?  My mom is going to be 70 next year.. and that scares me.  I cant even begin to fathom life without her.  3 years ago on June 23,2008 I lost my grandmom.  That has been the hardest thing on me so far.  At times I still burst into tears.  I dont think I have learned yet how to deal with things.  I push them all away and then they resurface time and time again.  Maybe it is why I am such a hot mess these days.  I wish someone could help to show me how to deal.  Maybe writing will help.  One thing I have thought about though is that life needs to be lived.  I do not feel like I am living mine.  Well at least the way I want to.  Life has got to be more than just going to work and home again and then back in the morning.  Days off just to do nothing but catch up on sleep and relax.  Life passes us quickly and if we dont stop to smell the flowers on the way we will lose out on everything.

 

I miss my grandmom.  I wish I had a closer relationship to her.  I wish my entire family had a closer relationship.  None of us really talk much together.  I call my mom almost daily though.  My dad, now I talk to him only a handful of times a year and this kills me.  He doesnt make any effort at all.  It hurts me terribly.  I think I need to tell him this but I am afraid to. I will make every effort possible to visit him when I am in Delaware in a couple of weeks.

One thing I have learned from living in Greece is that family should be one of the most important factors in your life.  Having family around, being together, sharing together.  Family in America seems to fall apart when everyone grows up.  Just because my brother doesnt live with all of us anymore doesnt mean we are not his family anymore.  He almost like abandoned us all after he married Sarah.  Why??  Me and him were so close.  Now I speak to him maybe once a year?  That is so wrong.  Its not how I want it to be.  I think the only way to make a difference about it all is to tell everyone how I feel.  That is the first step otherwise I will still here and think about it and nothing will change.  Maybe no one else cares about it but I sure do.

I still dont know whether I want to go to Greece next month.  I really need to be able to have the freedom that comes with having a car.  I cannot bear the thought of being stuck all day and night for 5 months.  I seriously can’t do it. Being able to express myself to people has always brought me fear and so I dont do it.  People judge so fast, people fight you, people cannot just listen to what you are saying and understand.  They have to argue.  I HATE arguing and fighting and so I just sit silent about everything all the time.

I don’t want my blog to be a bitchfest but the truth is, I have so many complaints and problems and no outlet for it.  I shall close it for now.  Heres to making today a good one!